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yo was up. he was up all night long workin on somethin. oh that yo- you never know what he'sup to. so kneewayz, let me tell you about something that happened to me the other day. I was maxin on the couch eating some chips and watching judg judy when i hear a knock on the door. I immediately grabbed a knife from the kitchen and went to the door. I don't peep through peep holes because whoever is outside can tell, and then blow me away, instead i yelled, "I'm standing right behind the door, i dare you to shoot me, i double dare you mutha fucka!" i was feeling confident cause i was wearing three sweaters which i figured can protect me from bullets, no one answered. "come on, you scared bitch! shoot me!" finally he said he was the pizza man. I fealt at ease, and i laughed at myself for being so paranoid. I opened the door and apologised to the pizza man, than with on swift motion i stabbed him with my knife. he told me that it hurt and not to do that again, in a pakistani accent. i then realized i was holding a butterknife. he said, "i come from India, this is most unwelcome in my country." I could have sworn he was packy, but maybe i let that judgment come from his ms. pac-man shirt. i said, "sorry ms. india-man" and to that he replied, "it's mr. india man!" I had let the shirt fool me again... or did it? i kicked him in his balls as hard as i could. He fell to the floor squirming. i had made a mistake, or was he just a good actor? He had a big belly, and so if he was a she, i would say she's pregnant. there was only one was to find out, i grabbed him by his shoulders and shouted, "push, push!" he didn't push, so if that baby was coming out, i was going to have to see to it. i kicked him in the top of his belly to pop the baby out. i came to the conclusion that he was a man, so i apologized. i didn't want any more harm come to the poor man so i ripped his shirt off. I had done him enough harm, he needed his rest so i left him in peace. i threw a five dollar bill on the half-naked, bruised man laying on the floor, then picked up the pizza and went inside. Going to my interview One day I had an interview so I prepared my self by bathing in vegetable oil. After that I put on 20 pairs of socks so I could have huge feet to impress the boss. I had bought specialty sized giant boots that go all the way up to my knees and I wore them. They were very heavy and i had to use all my strength to walk. I wore shorts and a shirt that says: "i like to screw" just to let the boss know that i was into serious business. I put two bowling balls in my tight shorts and a baseball bat tied to my waist for that little touch of sass. I painted the bat skin colour and a red tip to give the impression that i was serious about this job. I put on ladies panties on my head and went out. It took me a while to get there because my feet and the bowling balls were so heavy but i managed by wearing a sign that says: "kick me here" and there was a circled area on my back for the kicks to land and i wore padding under the shirt to protect me. So the kicks really gave me a boost but once in a while a kick would land outside the padded area and I'd fall down screaming in pain, but who said life was easy anyway. People were staring at what they thought were a huge dildo dangling through the bottom of my shorts and huge balls. i was pleased with all the reaction and I was sure that my supposed manliness was to win over the boss. Surely he must find me most suitable for this particular job. But what if i got the job and it became time to pull down my shorts? I didn't think that far. I had finally reached the destination. I went inside and was shown into the office. For a while he just sat there staring at the baseball bats and the boots. Did i go overboard? was he scared that i was too big, that i may hurt the girls i'm working with. I was just about to pull out the baseball bat and whack him with it. Maybe i could hide his body in that closet over there? But just then he looked at me and said: "so, what makes you qualified to work at pizza hut?"
so one day i decided to rob a bank. i wanted to wear something that would scare people, and hide my face at the same time so i bought a pumpkin and made a jackolantern from it. i put it over my head. next i needed a weapon- should i go for the regular- a nail gun? or some thing more original like a chainsaw? i took both. i also packed an extra pair of underwear incase the plan didn't work an i was sent to jail. next i needed somethin to accent my thighs so i wore a pair of speedos. i went into the bank in the mall that day. "every body freeze!" nobody listened to me. "simon say's freeze!" everyone except 2 people froze, so they were kicked out of the bank. i turned on the chainsaw and waved it around, singing "we are the champions" by queen. then i wen to the teller "give me all your money" i couldn't hear what she was saying because the chainsaw was so loud so i turned it off "what?" "i just said i couldn't hear you" "oh, ok," "can i help you?" "yes, give me all your money!" she went into her purse and gave me $20. "no, no, the money in the teller, and don't push no alarms!" "oh, ok, i'll just push my finger in the air and walk towards the alarm, and if the alarm should happen to get pushed then it's not my fault" "fine!" the alarm went off. "damn it!" i couldn't punish her, cause it was obviously an accident. instead i shot out her eyes with my nail gun and chopped off her arms with the chainsaw. i went to the manager and told him to open the safe. "please don't hurt me" "i won't, but i'll just swing this chainsaw around like a madman and run towards you, and if any part of you should happen to get chopped off then it's not my fault." "fine! then i'll just punch and kick in the air as i stand here." we came at each other. he kicked, his leg was gone. he punched, his arm was gone. his other arm followed. "now, open the safe!" "can you just take the keys from my pocket and do it, cause i don't have any arms?" "i don't care, you'll have to find a way!" He fell to the floor shaking untill the keys fell out of his pocket, then he picked them up with his teeth and with his one leg, pushed himself towards the safe. he was going to make it, and i wanted to see him fail so i began shooting nails at him. the safe was upstairs so he pushed himself up and jumped up each stair. i continued shooting him with nails. he finally made it to the safe and opened it with the key in his mouth. "ok, now put all the money into these bags and bring them out!" he began to do so. i dropped my weapons "oh and bring these down too, they're getting heavy" i went back down to see what was happening. the lines had started again as though people forgot about the robbery. i saw two cops inside so i took off my mask and went to confront them. "can i help you officers?" "are you the manager?" "no, i'm the rob... i mean yes, yes i am." "we're told there's a robbery in progress?" "yes" the officers took out their notebooks and began jotting down the information. just then the manager tumbled down the stairs with a pile of bags and a chainsaw in his hand. the cops shot him dead. "well it looks like everything is taken care of," said the officer. "oh thank you" "we'd like to stay here and take some photographs" one of the officers sat down on the teller, posing, while the other took pictures of him. "well, i'm gonna find somewhere more suitable for all this money- obviously the safe won't do." "oh, sure," replied the cop. i took the money and left. |
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The Mars Alien Project
A couple of film student friends decide to shoot a school film...on Mars! Many have been there, but many have come back, will they survive!
Before actually going there, they go to the moon to interview some people about...the Mars Alien! Nobody's seen it, nobody's heard of it, nobody thinks it exists, the legends say NOTHING about it...Are the legends true! That's what these friends will find out. Some say they're crazy for going there, some say there crazy because their IQ's are less than 50, others don't know them, less think they don't exist, and some say THEY"RE the alins! Hang on to your couchs, because this slow-paced, terribly boring, straight to ONE video blockscratcher!
Roger Herbert says- "I've never watched it... And I don't want to"
The New york time gives it "two thumbs down, a third if we had one."
The cast and crew of this movie say- "IT'S GOOD!"
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